distant star

still so pretty the distant star... stop tinking alr kay heng... u fail to make the grade tt all

hmm... i notice a change in my personality and the personality test quite confirm it... its in a transition stage, there was 4 such events that has happen b4... 2 good 2 bad once... i reali wan tis 1 to be even better den good.... cos the previous was good... lets hope my frens wont get bad impression of me during tis transition period and when it end i wan to b a better man...

i guess i balance my life back again alr... guess i wont be working ba... i shall use the time to balance back everything....

as i expected it only took 1 week to suppress the sadness... cos its actually being around for dunno how long alr... i notice the change quite long alr... jus needed answers... got it... let it bled n now i m a happier man...

Rotting at the airport aft sending yubing off.. What a coincidence… Her good fren shiny ba.. The aunt or smth is actually my ex hr director :) haha Alway very nice to me 1… Haha saw her at the bk… Anw since now everyone rotting at polar now might as well do my aar… So here goes..

Let’s start from the beginning.. Jan 2010.. I was still in Mohh working as a admin temp to pass 1 year so I can apply for uni or if cannot go in den poly.. So I was quite low tt time… With no target n goal in sight at time.. Life wasn’t life then.. Jus slogging the routine for $$.. but at least the ppl there are still ok.. Feb the new year, the relatives crazy convincing me n my mom tt I shd go poly instead.. I guess tis was 1 of the most dreaded cny period I had.. I left Mohh tis mth too aft working for 7 mths here.. Mar, I was slacking while applying for poly, saw environmental management n water technology course in Sp.. Ard tt time hmm seems like what I can do.. Science plus math=engineering outdoor plus indoor work.. Color blind nvm.. Hmm so why nt.. I dun wan like the rest of my frens tt follow the usual go in uni do biz or engine if nt go uol sim do biz stuff.. Everything abt biz.. Considering my language cmi and everyone is doing it I guess nt my cup of tea behind a desk day in day out.. At least tt my impression.. I nid smth diff.. I dun tink i wan my life like tt.. I nid indoor outdoor.. On paper n on practical.. With dead stuff n with ppl.. I guess I made the right choice.. Apr was the start of poly life.. Was quite a experience even though being thru army alr.. Fun starting to know ppl.. I Alway like to noe new ppl.. May.. Didnt follow my plan abt cca.. Didn’t wan to join band becos I break for 3 years I not pro in the first place.. :( wasn’t my confident side n I noe will spend alot time.. Wanted to join sm weird running club or smth.. But I guess it’s fate.. Got 4 band ppl in my class.. All end up going band Tgt.. Jun.. Tis part was Reali blur.. Cannot remb wat happen.. Hmm fo camp? Haha was lots of fun.. Saw abit of band behind the scene drama alr.. Was Tinking whether I shd stay at tt time.. July No memory of anything special here.. Aug IBM , nite cycling cip n msia study trip.. Fun fun fun.. Munchee bday on IBM day if I nv remb wrongly.. Haha.. She won’t appear Anw… Sep, can’t remb anything.. Marina barrage event ba!? Oct nth much Nov.. Saw a new face in band.. Got Jj n chin Haow toking.. Was jus there with o ya nt bad ah.. Didnt see anything special though.. Liyi say is year 3 den I stun.. Lol.. Got to noe tt new face.. Hmm first impression.. Very Lian… And like to tell ppl what she like when no one was actually listening.. Hmm.. Dec.. Got to noe the new face slightly better.. Wasn’t gonna like her.. Heard sm story abt her.. Hmm wasnt good.. My bday.. Wasnt expecting to be tt good.. Timbre n had a fun time..in a long time.. Was toking to the new face otw there.. Hmm why she was there in the first place… Oya they tot I like tt y they ask.. I was jus Tinking.. But I tot would be super duper difficult.. What triggered it? No idea… Perhaps is the willingness to do the scandal stuff ba.. Then got Her bday, christmas n christmas eve..things got reali reali complicated i guess... or mayb not...

jan 2011

k let include the 3 mths to conclude the academic year... so jan... well there was musical delights didnt play as well as i wan but i still happy with the result.. i must work harder!! the whole thing was so tiring yet fun when i m with awesome peps...

feb 2011

its the chinese new year! mass visiting a few of the band ppl hse!! was reali reali quite fun... haha got the road trip at nite... ard tt time is the time i realise smth wrong... hmm... y the big fuss of smth she usually wont bother abt... was quite sad abt it then aft the 2nd time was huh? wth? =.= guess i m not as impt to her as she was to me... nonetheless feb was fun fun fun..aft the cny period was the exams reali reali didnt do well i tink...omg so disappointed with myself... i dunno what the sudden... ugh... i guess i mus double up the effort !!

so basically tt was happenings that i remb in 2010... there are many other things as well jus i cant recall all

sia sadly... anw... hmm... aar part of the year... well i guess i made a good start and a good change in sp... i guess cos everything is still basic then... so nt put in alot of effort still sufficient but 2011 is nt the case any more so i should unplug the invincible mentality put in effort and go for it... i wan my gpa to be 3.7-3.8 when i grad... i noe its going to hard but i m here for precisely tt purpose if nt y come poly kayheng plz constantly remind urself... i tink 2010 i reali reali spend alot... omg... i tink its time to money conscious... i wan more $$ for things tt i would enjoy much more den eating snacks during breaks!! so less of tt plz... so my holiday dun nid to spend alot of time running and all to burn the fats... i tink i m evolving... took the personality test again ytd in the airport... my personality is changing quite a bit... i isnt as nice as 5 years go i guess... effects of army n recent happening ba... i jus hope aft my personality has harden/stabilise ppl wont go away from me!!! I tink its the year that make me realise there is more i can improve myself... in every area... i tot i was at bottle neck at some alr.. while the others i m jus too lazy to change it.... guess 2011 is the year to make improvements... i used to hate changes and i still do in sm aspects... but i realise its alot ez-er to change urself than to change the world or hope the world suits u... its a impossibility... 2010 is the year tt i realise to be nice to me is reali difficult.. i dunno how my family tahan me all tis time sia... haha but i guess i will be nicer to my family! and its sad to see ur parents starting to get frail and things like tt... and me mus buck up n nt let them worry abt me... 2010 i see tt u jus nid to care abt ppl who care abt u and resonate with them fun and happiness...be there for them when they need you... the rest of the world jus show them minimum can alr... of cos i m toking ppl who dun give a darn abt you... being nice to a wall is useless no matter how nice u r... still jus a wall... 2010 let me realise alot of things and let me remb alot of things... i guess i will alway forget abt it 1... so i will make a list later and to refer to it!! hahah... abt after action regret... i guess i shdnt have like her so fast so furious ba... jus make my life miserable nia... when there are so many other ppl ard... but i guess she still taught me alot abt myself... cos she is like a female version of me sia... its quite amazing the similarities...so i guess i get to noe her for a reason... i guess she oso make me realise tt the colour system is nt a liking system ba... its jus a soulmate type of system tt i depend so much as a emotional support... i dun nid tt kind of support actually i realise... its cos of the lack of trust in myself tt y i would cling on other ppl for appreciation and things like tt... besides i tink ppl like me wont like me... so no point! guess i need smone who can stand my crap or at least make me slow down for them... i nid a queen... nt a princess i guess.... i guess the only princess i would wan in my life would my daughter next time... haha... i tink i confirm treat her super nice 1... if boy i wont be so nice... cos they nid diff type of upbringing i guess... anw its too early to tink of it sia... haha... 23 onli still got maybe 5 -10 years? gosh i m so old... haiz... hahaha... tis is one of my greatest regret if i have put in the consistent effort then where would i be now? somestuff tt has happened to me is happening to her actually... i tried hard to nag to convince to i dunno...but guess ppl like us wont listen 1... to stubborn alr sometimes... we have to experience failure ourself b4 we will learn guai 1...

guess tis is the year tt i realise i being the missing piece for many things.... the thing tt suppose to be there and nt there...cos of my lack of belief in myself... even if i got a plan, i noe what to do n stuff i will alway let others do first den if no one step up den i do... end up alot of things mess up n stuff.... so tis year i guess i step up and be counted ba... but will still use my strengths and avoid my weaknesses... k tired alr... guess i will continue when i wake up before going vivo to meet mark they all

kayheng u r pathetic man... so no hope alr... u still link tt the tweets would be concerning u? u r transparent alr remb?

haiz... i tot its going to last a day or so onli...my emoness tt came back... i guess its my strong headedness tt can only last 2 days... back to my emo self alr... but i tink i dun wan my frens to worry alr... so i guess i will act like normal in front of them n hope they dun ask... i shall tink of a new name for a new blog den write the emo stuff tt so no one can see unless truly noe my pattern on how i would name my blog... guess nt alot people would...

went to run tis morning again... i guess certain part of me jus wan to exercise get tired so i can slp well at night so i wont tink so much... and avoid see her online at nite so i wont have the urge to tok to her... but it doesnt seem to help now... i emo day n nite alike... i tot running supposed to release hormones to make me happy... didnt felt it...it got worse actually... ran till everywhere was ache... but smwhere else was aching worse... guess i shouldnt have go see the msn convo history ba... it like ownself open the wound to bleed... while smiling... ugh...whats wrong with me ah... i tink i was reali happy then ba... even though i was sad tt she was sad tt time... dec and jan... tt when we reali reali toked.. i can see i tok with no mental block actually... but i can oso see some parts she asked to stop acting the way i acted... quite i didnt listen... first was the photos...

haiz its really sad to tink it tis way, but i guess she was pitying me from the start ba... nthing more... i was jus a distraction and smth to pass time ba... guess i was nt what she want and even not what she needs ba... cos i tried to please, to adore , to tok, even the glee pic tt i reblog to tell her everything is gonna be ok, jus trust me... guess i didnt show enuff to be trusted ba... there are ppl who would be there for her ba i guess... people who tok like her n she tok like him alr... no wonder i dun see my words appearing anymore, dun see her online as much... must be on the phone or smth ba...i not rich oso... jus ok to do...cos everyone in the family is working n i got my schship $$... i not charming and charismatic like the personality test say i m... i m not attractive... i m nth... i m jus a lame weird old guy.....y i m tinking abt all these?? if only my mom left hse for work alr... if nt i tink i would scream my lungs out... i should jus stop writing everything here alr... jus disappear further.... be more transparent den i alr is... i reali feel like shit when she put unwanted , nid smone to adore her...like wo bu shi ren like tt... reali there but not there... since when she so vocal 1 sia? mayb i changed her... she said before she haven met someone who she is willing to change yet... i guess girl dun meant what they say de ba... for she have change by a guy who she doesnt like...onli for other guys to come n take her away... how nice of me ah seriously, but by right i m suppose to not expect anything back in the first place... sad tt i did... for matters of the heart is never 1 for 1... esp when i m so insignificant and transparent... its like throwing all ur fortune into the wishing well and hope u get the same amount back... i guess it will sink into oblivion for me.... for even the combine wish of my bday , christmas, temple trips, every 1111 which i used to not believe isnt enuff... mayb i m at jet's lvl now for her alr...even the sight of me irks her... tt y i wont dare to tok to her alr... eventhough i reali reali wished she would come n tell me lets go back to wat it used to be... sad isnt it... for i wan smth tt is as distant as a star... i guess i finally noe the feeling of how she felt with him... jus cannot move... petrified.. looking at memories though its gone alr... and i realise even if i m irritated and angry i shdnt post shit on tweets or anywhere else tt can hurt people...esp when they meant so much to me... sm wounds can nv heal ba... haiz...mayb yanling is rite...she dun like clinging guys ba... i shd be gone... gone into the shadows... i guess she happy= i happy? but tink tis is also invaild...

ugh... i keep tinking again...haiz... darn... ahx1000000000000.... of cos i m sad la.... y wouldnt i be sad... but sad got use meh? who wont be sad being treated like dirt like tt... nw i jus wan look forward and nt emo cannot meh? even if i write what i reali reali feel got use meh? write tt i miss toking to her... miss everything n i den i see the blog when she say she dun like to write how she feel n nw writes so much... i wan to reply those tweets abt her being bored n stuff... but i noe i wont get a reply anw its nt for me those tweets...there is no way getting back to tok to her like in the past alr....and she isnt bothered by it even... she have so many ppl in her life....i oso wan to treat her well... i alway wan to do tt but dunno why she wont let me... while letting others... i jus dun wan ppl worry cannot meh? they worried for so long alr...tt y i look so ok alr...

k end of venting... shall go out n buy my aloe vera honey..

happy oso cannot sad oso cannot... =.=

i dunno what her purpose of those things seriously... i dun even know why i m explaining now when most like it would be viewed as excuses or smth...i wondered why today i m tinking abt all this again...ugh....i jus wan to run so fast tt i forgot that i fell till later when i can onli see the scarp? but i tink we both lost in the end... unknowingly i viewed in the very beginning that she give me a challenge to show how much i can like her... that why everything i do end up like reporting it but i meant what i did not jus to meet the challenge.... guess tt wasnt what she wanted lo i guess... sometimes i wish i can retry... erase all the screwed up part tt i did... cos i tink tt isnt reali me... i oso dunno what gotten into me actually... esp aft reading my personality report... ya... very diff when toking to her... then again it is nt possible...sorry that i the only 1 around tt like to go against her when everyone prefer to let her suit herself... i jus tink ppl like us nid reminders b4 its too late tt all... guess it makes things worse ba in the end... but i dunno what sort of challenge i give to her though... dun even noe if i even did... but if have den she lost as well then i guess... she is writing more alr.... she is getting doing whatever i m doing as well... writing hidden msg while replying to other ppl where i can see...i guess gals dun alway mean what they mean ba... i oso dun alway mean what i mean but i realise i cannot jus expect people to reach such high lvl of sync with me to noe actually what is n what not...so i tink 1 thing i will wan to improve is drop my venom on my tongue... i guess tis will make me less funny at times but at the expense of others guess not... i tink i will write less now cos everything i do seemed to be viewed in with a pair of got colour glasses.... i jus hope she know what she is doing... hope she can be happy :) cos all i cant make her happy anw y bother rite....k dun tink liao... ugh....

hmm tinking whether i shd do the permissions for the blog so onli some of my good frens can read like munchee's blog like tt... hmm... in the mean time... things i dun wan ppl to write but i still wan to write 1 change to draft alr... hope they wont delete on its own....