went to run tis morning again... i guess certain part of me jus wan to exercise get tired so i can slp well at night so i wont tink so much... and avoid see her online at nite so i wont have the urge to tok to her... but it doesnt seem to help now... i emo day n nite alike... i tot running supposed to release hormones to make me happy... didnt felt it...it got worse actually... ran till everywhere was ache... but smwhere else was aching worse... guess i shouldnt have go see the msn convo history ba... it like ownself open the wound to bleed... while smiling... ugh...whats wrong with me ah... i tink i was reali happy then ba... even though i was sad tt she was sad tt time... dec and jan... tt when we reali reali toked.. i can see i tok with no mental block actually... but i can oso see some parts she asked to stop acting the way i acted... quite i didnt listen... first was the photos...
haiz its really sad to tink it tis way, but i guess she was pitying me from the start ba... nthing more... i was jus a distraction and smth to pass time ba... guess i was nt what she want and even not what she needs ba... cos i tried to please, to adore , to tok, even the glee pic tt i reblog to tell her everything is gonna be ok, jus trust me... guess i didnt show enuff to be trusted ba... there are ppl who would be there for her ba i guess... people who tok like her n she tok like him alr... no wonder i dun see my words appearing anymore, dun see her online as much... must be on the phone or smth ba...i not rich oso... jus ok to do...cos everyone in the family is working n i got my schship $$... i not charming and charismatic like the personality test say i m... i m not attractive... i m nth... i m jus a lame weird old guy.....y i m tinking abt all these?? if only my mom left hse for work alr... if nt i tink i would scream my lungs out... i should jus stop writing everything here alr... jus disappear further.... be more transparent den i alr is... i reali feel like shit when she put unwanted , nid smone to adore her...like wo bu shi ren like tt... reali there but not there... since when she so vocal 1 sia? mayb i changed her... she said before she haven met someone who she is willing to change yet... i guess girl dun meant what they say de ba... for she have change by a guy who she doesnt like...onli for other guys to come n take her away... how nice of me ah seriously, but by right i m suppose to not expect anything back in the first place... sad tt i did... for matters of the heart is never 1 for 1... esp when i m so insignificant and transparent... its like throwing all ur fortune into the wishing well and hope u get the same amount back... i guess it will sink into oblivion for me.... for even the combine wish of my bday , christmas, temple trips, every 1111 which i used to not believe isnt enuff... mayb i m at jet's lvl now for her alr...even the sight of me irks her... tt y i wont dare to tok to her alr... eventhough i reali reali wished she would come n tell me lets go back to wat it used to be... sad isnt it... for i wan smth tt is as distant as a star... i guess i finally noe the feeling of how she felt with him... jus cannot move... petrified.. looking at memories though its gone alr... and i realise even if i m irritated and angry i shdnt post shit on tweets or anywhere else tt can hurt people...esp when they meant so much to me... sm wounds can nv heal ba... haiz...mayb yanling is rite...she dun like clinging guys ba... i shd be gone... gone into the shadows... i guess she happy= i happy? but tink tis is also invaild...
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